Crazy Over Quistis
by LemonSmoothie
Summary: How do the guys in Organization XIII get dates? Newbie Roxas is about to get a crashcourse in the art of pitching woo.
1. Do you even exist?

"Crazy Over Quistis"

An original Kingdom Hearts story by Mona

Disclaimer: Kingdom Hearts characters © Disney and SquareEnix.

Hollow Bastion was hardly hollow. It bustled with activity: namely, a confrontation between two sets of triplets.

"This is _our _territory!" said Huey Duck, glaring at three female ducks.

"Go open your store somewhere else!" Dewey said.

"There's only room for three of us," finished Louie.

The leader of the three girls, April, came forward. "You can't order us around!"

"Yeah," agreed May.

"We have the right to open our store here," snapped June. "Ever heard of a little thing called 'free enterprise'?"

"Ever heard of a little thing called the glass ceiling?" Huey said with a smirk. "We'll run you out of business in no time!"

The townspeople, ducks and humans alike, were too occupied with watching the confrontation to notice the two men in black cloaks sitting on a bench.

"The Germans were wrong. Kids aren't _Kinder_. They're kindling," one man said to the other. "Just looking at those little brats makes me want roast duck."

"Darn you, Axel! And it's your turn to cook tonight!"

"What's wrong with my cooking?"

"You burn everything!"

"Then get a salad if you're so picky. Or stuff yourself with ice cream, Pudgy."

"I'm not pudgy."

"Roxas, you've gained thirty pounds since you've joined."

"I was a stick when I joined!"

"You're not anymore."

"You would know, Thin Man." Roxas pointed across the street. "What do you think of that girl standing by the fountain?"

"The blond in the orange sweater?"

"Yeah. Isn't she cute?"

Axel snorted. "I'm not going to jail! What kind of sick pervert do you take me for!"

"Not for you, you idiot! For me!"

"Oh."

"So…do I just go up to her and ask her out? Or send gifts and lovey-dovey notes?"

"Have you spoken to her before?"

"No."

"Do you know her name?"

"Her name is Quistis. She teaches military science at the University. She's eighteen, her birthday is October 4…"

Axel smirked. "I see. Are you admiring her or stalking her?"

"It's not like that. Her fan boys told me all that. You've heard of the Trepies?"

"So why don't you ask her out? The worst thing she can do is slam a door in your face."

"I don't want her to do that."

"What's so special about this girl?"

"Well, she's pretty and she's nice. And Xemnas says we're this close to achieving Kingdom Hearts, so why not plan for the future?"

"You're young to be thinking of that sort of thing, but it's good to see you're looking at outsider girls. Larxene will zap you if you stare at her rear too long."

"So how do you get a girl's attention? I can't even say hi to her. I could bungle it."

"Getting a girl is easier than that. You just go to a party with her, and then ply her with drinks until she can't think straight. Then she can't say no."

"Isn't that taking advantage of her?"

"If she's taking drinks from you, she wants you. Women just don't like to admit they want attention. So they play hard to get. Why else does Larxene torment the rest of us by wearing skimpy outfits on Casual Dress Friday?"

"I just don't feel right doing that."

"Suit yourself," Axel replied. "Hey, don't forget the meeting of the Prank Saix Club tonight. 10:00 in Luxord's room."

"Remind me. Why do we constantly prank Saïx?"

"Because he's an insufferable kiss-butt. And he hates my guts."

"Why does he hate you?"

"I think it has something to do with the fact that I set him on fire during my initiation rites."

Roxas looked shocked. "_You set Saïx on fire!" _

"Don't look at me like that! I couldn't control my fire back then!"

XXX

Later that night, the members of the Prank Saïx Club convened in Luxord's room. They sat in a bunch, sipping beer.

"Axel, it's your turn to come up with a prank to play on Saïx," Xigbar said.

Axel stood up. "Great. I've got lots of ideas. How about we get Vexen to grow a giant, steroid-enhanced tomato, and hit Saïx in the butt with it?"

"Bart did that on _The Simpsons_," said Demyx.

"Oh," Axel said. "That's all right. I've got more. We switch Saïx's Sectral with Tic-Tacs."

"_Simpsons_ did it!" replied Demyx.

"We rig a bomb to destroy the plumbing system while Saïx is using the toilet?" Axel suggested.

Demyx sighed. "_Simpsons_ did it!"

Axel shrugged. "One of us paints a face on his butt and moons Saïx?"

"_Simpsons_ did it!" Everyone else chorused.

Axel held up his hands. "All right, all right. How about deafening him with a stadium air horn?" Silence. "Don't tell me _The Simpsons_ did that too!"

"That was _Futurama_," Luxord corrected.

Axel slapped his forehead. "Is there anything _The Simpsons_ hasn't done already?"

Marluxia shook his head. "They've even started to repeat themselves lately."

"Yeah," Demyx agreed. "What's up with that?"

"Can we just switch his medicine with Tic-Tacs?" Axel asked. "It's not like Saix watches _Simpsons_." Everyone else nodded. "So it's agreed?"

"Five hundred munny he has an aneurysm within six hours," said Luxord.

Demyx looked nervous. "Xemnas will have our heads if he finds out!"

"So?" Xaldin said. "Saïx could have told Xemnas about our pranks a long time ago. Running to 'Daddy' is admitting that we've gotten to him, and he won't admit that. He's got his pride, after all."

XXX

Once the meeting adjourned, Roxas headed toward the office wing. The Superior always worked late. Roxas stopped in front of the white door. He raised his fist to knock, then hesitated. "I have no idea why I'm asking my boss about this." He considered his other options: Saïx, who was only vaguely aware of the opposite sex. Or Demyx, the archetypal teenage dork. Or Xigbar, whose idea of asking a girl out was to press a gun to her head and say "I'm single. I'm Number Two of a prestigious Organization. I'm rich. I'm handsome. But if you don't want to be the happiest woman in the world, I'll gladly blow your brains out."

Larxene would be the worst. _She'd laugh in my face, and I'll be the butt of everyone's jokes. Even the Dusks would laugh at me. _

_Besides, Xemnas said I could talk to him about anything, right? _

Roxas knocked on the door. "Superior?"

"Is that you, Roxas?"

"Yes. Can I come in?"

"Certainly."

Roxas opened the door and kneeled before Xemnas. "Superior, I need your advice."

"What seems to be the problem?"

"Well, there's this girl. And I want her to like me. But…well…how can anyone like a Nobody?"

Xemnas leaned back in his desk chair. "I know exactly what you need to do."

"Great! What?"

"Sic Heartless on her until she becomes a Nobody."

Roxas was silent for a few seconds. "Uh…Superior? I want her to like me, and she can't like me if she's a Nobody!"

"No, but she'll obey you. And being obeyed is better than being loved."

"You didn't have too many dates when you were normal, did you?"

Xemnas's orange eyes flashed dangerously. "How…how dare you!"

"Weren't you a…"

"Don't you dare say it!"

"Science geek?" Roxas finished.

Xemnas pointed toward the open door. "GET OUT OF MY OFFICE! NOW!"

"All right, all right. Sheesh." Roxas inched out.

XXX

The next morning, Roxas entered Marluxia's conservatory. "Marluxia, sir?"

Marluxia was watering his plants. "Yes?"

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Yes, I think dinner last night was excruciatingly offensive to the palate."

"Uh, it's not about food."

"So what is it?" Marluxia set down his watering can.

"You see, I'm trying to woo this girl. And I'm not sure how to attract her attention."

"Have you sent her anything?"

"No."

"You _are _basic. What do girls love more than anything else?"

"Uh…"

Marluxia rolled his eyes. "Flowers!"

Roxas had to admit Marluxia had a point. "So I send her flowers?"

"Yes, but what kind of flowers?"

"Red roses?"

"Tch."

"What? I thought that's what you send to girls."

"Red roses do mean love, but they're just a teensy bit overused. When you ask a woman out, you're trying to say 'Date me, because I can offer you more than those other men.' The girl is just going to look at those roses and say 'I've seen this before. Get lost.' Understand?"

"Sort of."

"Flowers send messages. White roses are a traditional way of conveying sympathy. On Mother's Day, people traditionally wear roses: a yellow rose means your mother is alive and a white one means she's dead."

_Why am I wondering how he knows this stuff? _Roxas thought, but stayed silent.

Marluxia continued. "There's no absolute system: meanings can vary. One flower can have several meanings attached to it. But one thing is certain: red roses are cliché."

"So what do you suggest?"

"What does this girl do for a living?"

"She's a college professor. Military science."

"Roxas, you're into older women?"

"She's not that much older. She's eighteen."

"Oh. I think I have just the flower." Marluxia motioned to a group of delicate lavender flowers. "The gladiolus symbolizes love at first sight. It also praises strength of character and generosity."

"Sounds good to me," Roxas said.

XXX

Radiant Garden University's quad was filled with rowdy college students. College co-eds held hands, tossed food, or chatted loudly.

Ordinarily, Quistis found the din a minor annoyance. Today she didn't even notice. Her eyes were bright red, her nose was stuffed, and she had a pounding headache.

"Are you okay, Ms. Trepe?" asked a student.

"Someone sent me a bunch of flowers this morning." Quistis explained. "I have terrible hay fever." She sneezed. "I should have called in sick."

"Yeah. Maybe you should go home."

Quistis wiped her nose with an embroidered handkerchief. "No, you're not getting out of that quiz today."

"Curses," the student replied.

From behind a nearby tree, Roxas cursed, using slightly more…_colorful_ words than the student.

XXX

"Marluxia, what's the flower for unrequited love?"

Marluxia picked a yellow carnation and tossed it at Roxas's feet.

To Be Continued

Author's Note: Ever notice how _pudgy _Roxas is compared to Sora? It's really obvious in the scene in the World That Never Was where Roxas confronts Sora. And exceptionally obvious in the still from Jiminy's journal (look at the difference in their cheeks). I swear, all that sea-salt ice cream must have caught up to Roxas.

Roxas, though friends with Axel, is still learning to be a sociopath, thus why he seems so mild compared to the others. He's just joined, after all. Has to shake the Sora mannerisms.

Sectral, in case you didn't gather from the context, is a prescription blood pressure medication.

I really like Quistis, and I wanted to use her in a Kingdom Hearts story. They've already got Squall, Selphie, Seifer, Fujin, and Raijin.

This story isn't really part of my general storyline. It's just a silly, slightly stupid story about the Organization. I really like the CoM-exclusive gang, and just _had_ to include them.


	2. Except in my wishful thinking?

Roxas wondered if he should count his blessings. This morning, Axel emptied Saïx's medicine bottle and filled it with white Tic-Tacs. But Saïx had taken the false medicine at lunch, and seemingly failed to notice the difference.

Roxas stood before Saïx's bedroom door and knocked. No answer. _Not too late to leave…maybe asking him for advice is a mistake…_

The door opened, and Saïx peered out.

_Rats! _Roxas steadied his voice. "Sir?"

"Roxas?" Saïx looked a little surprised. "Are you looking for someone?"

"No. I'd…" Roxas steeled himself. "Like to hear your opinion on something."

"Come in."

Roxas came in. It was the first time he'd seen the interior of Saïx's bedroom. The walls were pristine white. French doors opened to a small balcony overlooking the heart-shaped moon – Kingdom Hearts. A small shrine to a moon goddess was in a corner, complete with candles and small ornaments.

"What did you want to ask?" Saïx asked.

"Um, this is going to sound strange, but I'm having…adolescence problems."

"I think our doctor is the one to ask."

"No, no, not that kind. There's a girl that I really want to impress, but how can I do that?"

"You don't mean Larxene, do you?"

Roxas paled. "No! Of course not!"

"Just making sure. Go on."

"I want to get her attention. I sent her some flowers, but she's extremely allergic."

"When you send a girl flowers, you're offering your heart to her. Same as if you told her you loved her. But you have no heart to proffer. How do you suppose you can compensate for that?"

"I don't know."

"Here's what you do. Go to another world and find the purest, most innocent child you can. Then follow it home. Wait until nightfall. When it goes to bed, slip into its bedroom, and carve out its heart. Then you offer the heart to your love interest as a sacrifice."

Roxas' jaw practically hit the floor. "What!" For the first time, he noticed the brown stains that spotted the white walls. _Could be coffee, could be blood…_

"Of course, if you feel uncomfortable with that, you could always kill a member of the Corporation. The Keyblade should make it easy enough."

Roxas folded his arms. "I am not approaching the Corporation! They're cold, they're evil, and their eyes are just…empty. And glowing. It's like Nietzsche: stare into the abyss, and the abyss stares back at you."

"Well, of course they're evil, Roxas. What do you expect? They're lawyers."

"Um, sir? If I bring a heart to this girl, she'll think I'm crazy. A psycho."

Then Saïx said something truly shocking: "Surprising. My ex girlfriend was always flattered when I gave her children's hearts as presents."

Roxas was in disbelief. "You had a girlfriend?"

"Yes."

"Is it any wonder she dumped you?" Roxas clamped his hands over his mouth, but it was too late. He could practically see Saïx's face darken.

"She did not 'dump' me," Saïx said, irritation inherent in his voice. "She and I were separated when our world fell into darkness."

"But the worlds are back, so why can't you…"

"Do you think I have so little respect for her that I would approach her in my incomplete state?" Saïx snapped. "How dare you!"

Roxas dropped to his knees. "I'm sorry! It just slipped out. I'll do anything! Just don't hurt me!"

"Stop begging. It doesn't suit one of the Organization. I'm not going to hurt you. However, if you tell anyone about my love life…"

"It's safe with me! I won't tell anyone! I promise!" Roxas wiped the sweat from his brow.

Saïx suddenly clutched his forehead.

"Uh, sir?" Roxas asked. "Are you okay?"

"Just a headache. Leave me alone."

Roxas was only too happy to oblige, and left quickly. _That was scary, but hey. If Saïx could find someone, there's hope for me yet! _He picked up his pace while going through the castle corridors. He found himself in front of Demyx's bedroom.

_No missions for today, a no-show at breakfast and lunch, and no one screaming or cursing about shamisen music. Demyx is here. Asleep. _Roxas knocked on the door. "Hello?" He knocked louder. "Hello?" Louder still. "Demyx? Are you in here?" Frustrated, he tested the knob. It turned. The door was unlocked. Roxas slipped in, tiptoed across the carpeted floor, and yanked the blankets from the bed.

Surprisingly, Demyx was awake. There were bags under his eyes, and his sandy mullet was in disarray.

Roxas snickered. "Bed head!"

Demyx sat up. "You're one to talk."

"You don't look so good. Didn't sleep well?"

"I was too nervous to sleep last night. And then when I finally fell asleep, I had these scary dreams about Saïx chasing me. How can we still have nightmares if we don't have feelings?"

Roxas shrugged. "Another Nobody paradox?"

Demyx got out of bed, smoothed his plaid pajamas, and walked to a miniature refrigerator. "Want a soda?"

"Sure."

Demyx tossed a soda can to Roxas. "What brings you to my humble abode?"

Roxas popped the tab on his soda and took a swig. "Girl questions."

"Really?"

"Did you have a girlfriend?"

"Not really, but my older brother Ansley had a serious girlfriend. Then I think she died and he stopped dating completely. But I know the one gift women can't resist."

"And that is?"

"The gift of music. When you spot a potential love connection, you find out where she lives. Wait until she goes to bed. Then stand below her bedroom window, and sing a beautiful love song."

"That actually makes sense."

"Now, if you don't mind…" Demyx climbed back into bed and burrowed into his mess of blankets.

Roxas nodded. "Sweet dreams, Demyx."

"I wish," he mumbled, head hitting the pillow. Within seconds, he was snoring.

Roxas tiptoed out and shut the door quietly. He strolled down to the library, and found Vexen and Xaldin playing chess. "Who's winning?"

"I am," Vexen said. "So how are you this afternoon?"

Roxas glanced at the window. Outside, the sky was black. "Are we the only place where the sky is dark at 1 PM?"

"I'm pretty sure we are," Xaldin said. "Really messes up your internal clock at first."

"Yup," Vexen said. "No hearts, but we've still got hormones."

"Speaking of hormones," Roxas said. "I'm pursuing a girl who doesn't even know I exist. Well, I'm not supposed to exist, but you know what I mean. Do you have any ideas as to how to get her attention?"

"Make sure she's worth your while first," Xaldin answered. "Can she carry a conversation? A girl who prattles on endlessly about needless matters is a waste of time."

"She's kind of reserved, but she knows a lot about different things," Roxas said.

"Is she smart?" Vexen asked.

"She's got a high IQ. She's a college professor of military science at Radiant Garden University at the age of eighteen. Isn't that your alma mater? Both of you?"

"Best school in all the worlds," Vexen said proudly.

"Only the finest minds allowed." Xaldin said firmly.

Roxas nodded. "And she's gorgeous, like a supermodel. These beautiful blue eyes. And this really silky-looking hair."

"Does she dress well?" Vexen asked. "Girls who wear trampy outfits are a must to avoid."

"She barely shows any skin. Skirt, sweater, long sleeved blouse, stockings."

"Is she a popular professor? She needs to have good communication skills," Xaldin added.

"She has her own fan club."

If Xaldin and Vexen didn't look impressed by Quistis' credentials a minute ago, they were now.

"Pinch this girl to make certain she's real," Xaldin said.

"Is her mother single by any chance?" Vexen asked. "Or does she have an aunt?"

Roxas shrugged. "I don't know. So what do I do?"

"Don't wait around, that's for sure," said Xaldin. "How about writing her a poem?"

"You would suggest that, you humanities major," Vexen sneered.

"Then what do you say, lab rat?" Xaldin asked.

"There's a perfume that contains the right blend of pheromones to attract any woman within smelling distance. It's called _Aphrodisiac_. Find that, and I guarantee the girl will be attracted to you," Vexen said. "They sell it in Radiant Garden's perfume store. Scents and Sensibility."

"That doesn't seem right," Xaldin said. "Roxas should attract her of his own merits."

"Pfft." Vexen retorted. "She's probably got a long line of hopeful suitors. He needs a big advantage."

"If he writes a poem that she likes, he will have a big advantage."

"Why can't I try one technique, and if one doesn't work, I'll try the other?" Roxas suggested. "Except I can't write poetry."

"I can help you write one," Xaldin said. "If you just do me a favor."

Roxas smiled. "Name it."

"Run to Radiant Garden and buy me a fresh supply of my favorite cologne."

"Sure. What brand do you use?"

"It's called _Toxin_, and buy all they have." Xaldin tossed him a money pouch. "I was going to go myself, but if you're heading in that direction."

"Weird to hear you guys call it Radiant Garden. It's called Hollow Bastion now."

"Strange," Xaldin commented. "Why do they call it that?

"Perhaps it has something to do with the fact it became a ghost town due to our unauthorized and unethical experiments?" Vexen suggested.

Xaldin shrugged. "Eh. Maybe."

XXX

Roxas walked out of Scents and Sensibility, and waited until two Samurai Nobodies pushed a cart laden with four cases of _Toxin_ cologne into a darkness portal. When they were gone, he looked at the red heart-shaped bottle of _Aphrodisiac_. "Handsome or hunchback, guaranteed to bring women to you."Roxas opened the bottle and squirted a bit on his wrist. The scent was sweet, not quite as strong as Xaldin's _Toxin. Maybe I should use a bit more. _He squirted some more on his skin. _Hmm…what the heck? _He poured the entire contents of the bottle over his head. _Now to walk by Quistis. I have to get within a mile of her, and she'll smell me. _

By sheer luck, Quistis came out of the neighboring store.

Roxas walked by her.

Quistis sneezed into her handkerchief once again, and then continued down the street.

_Great. Her nose is still stuffed. She can't smell a thing. _Roxas folded his arms. _Now what? _

"Hey, gorgeous!" A girl, dressed in stereotypical black ninja garb, came forward. She stood next to Roxas. "Hey, you!"

Roxas looked at her quizzically. "Are you talking to me?"

The girl put her hands on her hips. "Who are you? Robert DeNiro? Of course I'm talking to you!"

"Do I know you?" Roxas asked.

The girl came closer. "I know I love you…"

"I think you have me confused with someone else," Roxas replied.

"Don't ignore me, you blond jerk!" The girl screeched, pulling a shuriken out of seemingly nowhere. "Nobody dumps the Great Ninja Yuffie!"

Yuffie was suddenly bopped from behind by a weighted staff. Another girl, this one with brown hair in a braid came toward Roxas. The new girl wore a pink dress. She clutched a bouquet of roses in her left hand, and her rod in her right.

Roxas staggered back as three ducklings – April, May, and June -- came forward.

"I wuv you, kupo!" squeaked a female moogle.

"Stay back, all of you!" Roxas readied his Keyblades. He turned to run…

And smacked into the biggest and most cushiony cleavage he had ever felt. "Mmph!" A rather buxom girl was holding him in an embrace, and it was too close for comfort. Ordinarily, Roxas would have the situation amusing, even enjoyable, but today he was getting freaked out. He managed to disentangle himself from the Busty Girl and knock her away. He kicked May aside and struck April and June with the Oathkeeper and Oblivion. "Leave me alone!"

"Playing hard to get, aren't you, cutie?" Something all in black cooed. Upon closer inspection, it was a little fairy girl. Roxas swatted her away.

"My treasure!" Another fairy girl cried, clutching a handful of Roxas' hair.

A third fairy slapped her. "He's mine! Go back to your beach bum blitzball player!"

Roxas bopped the third fairy away and pried the second one off his hair.

A blonde woman in a blue suit cocked a revolver. "Nobody says no to a Turk!" The Oblivion's edge cleaved her gun neatly in half. "Hey! No fair!"

Roxas decided to just define the better part of valor and run. The women chased him. Too afraid to conjure a darkness portal for fear the women would follow him to the castle; he had to run through the streets of Hollow Bastion. Several other girls joined the chase. Roxas managed to lose them in a dark alley, and leaped into a dumpster. He rolled around in the trash until he could no longer smell the cologne. Sighing, he climbed out of the dumpster and summoned a dark portal home.

XXX

"Did you try the Aphrodisiac?" Vexen asked at dinner.

Roxas scowled. His hair was still wet from his two hour shower. "Yes. It didn't work. I'm not going into detail."

Xaldin smirked. "Is it too late for an 'I told you so'?"

To be continued

Author's Notes:

Xaldin and Vexen's ribbing is inspired by the humanities majors vs. science majors rivalry present at most colleges. There's no malice in it.

As for Quistis' new outfit: I thought while her old outfit was nice, a new one was in order because she'd want to look dignified as a professor at a prestigious university. She wears a white collared shirt, orange sweater, black skirt, white stockings, and black loafers.


	3. Someone Saved My Life Tonight

Author's Note: Before anyone threatens me over the content of this chapter, I hated Jesse McCartney's vocalization of Roxas as much as anyone else. Roxas, in my imagination, sounds just like Justin Berfield of _Malcolm in the Middle. _(Will Friedle is Seifer, so how could I possibly resist?)If you hate Jesse McCartney, just substitute your favorite male voice actor for Roxas for the next scene, or permanently if you like. If you like Jesse McCartney, well, there's no problem, is there?

Roxas shivered. The Organization cloaks were flashy, but they were light. _Freer movement can kiss my nonexistent butt_. He wished he had a sweater. _At least Nobodies can't get pneumonia. _He looked up. Standard Romeo and Juliet fare: a balcony just off Quistis' bedroom. The light was still on, but the curtains were drawn. Roxas tossed a few pebbles at the window. He coughed, and began to sing."I know it's not much, but it's the best I can do. My gift is my song, and this one's for you…"

The light flipped on. The glass door to the balcony opened, and there was Quistis. She wore a long pink nightgown trimmed with lace. Her blond hair, normally in an upsweep, was loose. She clutched a book in one hand and a moogle doll in the other.

_Another advantage of being a Nobody. I'd probably have fainted by now if I were normal. _"And you can tell everyone this is your song, it may be quite simple…"

Quistis dropped something shiny over the balcony edge, then wordlessly turned and went back inside.

Roxas got down to his knees and began to search the grass. Something glittered. He reached for it, hoping it was a locket, a ring, a pin.

It was a ten munny piece. Roxas sighed. _And the number one advantage of being a Nobody…no heart to break. _

XXX

"Then what did you do?" Axel asked.

"What could I do?" replied Roxas. "I left."

"You should have gone with Air Supply."

"Quistis would have thrown a brick at me if I had serenaded her with 'Young Love.' Maybe I should have gone with Chicago's 'You're the Inspiration'."

"Ugh, no. Do you want to give her diabetes?!"

"I can see why Demyx is single."

"Are you kidding? We're waiting for the day he pulls a Britney Spears and marries one of his Dancers."

The door flew open. Xigbar stood in the doorframe. "BOHICA!"

"BOHICA?!" Roxas repeated. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Military acronym," Axel explained, turning to Xigbar. "How much time do we have?"

Xigbar's voice was grave. "T minus ten seconds to explosion."

The sound of static filled the air.

Xigbar nervously turned on his communicator. "Numbers Two, Eight, and Thirteen."

"LIBRARY! NOW! NO EXCUSES!" Xemnas's voice boomed through the lounge.

Axel groaned. "We're doomed."

"What does BOHICA mean?" Roxas asked.

"It stands for 'Bend Over, Here It Comes Again," Xigbar said. "We use it as a code phrase whenever Xemnas is on the warpath."

Roxas looked confused. "I thought that was 'Dood, everybody run!'"

"No, that's when Saïx is on the warpath." Axel corrected.

XXX

Xemnas flipped through his copy of _How to Be a Bastard Boss. _He tossed the book aside and glared with disgust at his subordinates. Luxord fanned himself with a deck of cards. Vexen was reading some laboratory notes while he chewed on a bagel. Marluxia flipped through a gardening guide while Larxene pored over an old volume of fairy tales. Lexaeus stared out the window. Xaldin looked at the clock. Xigbar polished one of his guns. Zexion was calmly doing a crossword puzzle. Axel and Roxas were seated on the couch, wearing poker faces. The only one who looked sufficiently nervous was Demyx, who was in the corner wringing his hands. "Attention!" Everyone turned to look at him. "Now, one of you thinks it's funny to play Russian Roulette with a fellow Organization member's life. I, of course, refer to the infantile act of replacing Saïx's medication with breath mints. This is undeniably the cause of the aneurysm Number Seven suffered while he was polishing my boots." Xemnas raised his foot. "Now the polish is uneven!"

The various Organization members glanced at each other. No one changed their expressions.

"Were it not for the Nobody's rapid healing rate, well...there'd be more than the hospital bills to pay!" A glowing red sword materialized in Xemnas's right hand. "So I'm going to give the culprit a chance to come clean. If someone admits it, the punishment will be severely reduced."

Thirty seconds of stony silence followed.

"No one is going to come forward? Very well. You leave me no choice. After all, a chain is only as strong as its weakest link. Demyx? Might you have something to share with us?"

Demyx began to sweat nervously. "Um…er…"

"You don't have to be afraid, Demyx. Unless, of course you have something to hide…"

"Xemnas, stop!" Another voice interrupted. "I did it."

Xemnas gasped. "Luxord! I expected this kind of behavior from Axel…"

Axel crossed his arms. "Hey!"

"But not you! Why?" Xemnas asked.

Luxord sighed. "Because I wanted to save Saïx."

"How does stealing his medicine save him?"

Luxord sniffled. "Because the medicine only treats the symptoms, not the problems. He needs our help to see that he's got anger management issues. That's why his blood pressure is always so high."

"Luxord…"

"I know, Superior."

"You're right." Xemnas' sword vanished. "I'll sign Saïx up for anger management classes immediately. However, you still hurt another member, so no food of any kind for a month! You also have to apologize to Saïx personally at breakfast tomorrow. You're all dismissed."

XXX

"Roxas! Wake up!"

Roxas' eyes flittered open. He glanced at his clock radio. "Axel, are you off your rocker?! It's four in the morning! A man…er, Nobody's sleep is sacred!" He tossed a pillow in Axel's general direction. It missed by several feet.

"I'm tired too." Axel's usually spiky red hair was a mess of tangles. "But Der Freischutz has called an emergency meeting of the Prank Saïx club."

Roxas sat up. "Why didn't you say so? Let's go."

XXX

"Gentlemen," Xigbar began. Larxene glared at him. "And lady. I'd like to propose a toast. In all my years, I've seen people cower before their bosses. I've seen people blubber and weep. But I have never witnessed such eloquence in the face of impending doom. If we rigged the Oscars…no, wait, we already do, the award would go to the guy who single handedly sweet-talked Xemnas into letting us all live. To Luxord!"

"To Luxord," everyone else droned.

Demyx raised his hand. "Uh, Xigbar? Does this mean we're going to disband the club? I mean, this was a really close call."

Xigbar nearly choked on his beer. "What? Are you kidding?"

"I haven't had this much fun since my fraternity days," Xaldin added. "We're not stopping."

"But…" Demyx sighed. "All right."

"Xemnas didn't even know about the other pranks," Marluxia commented. "So Saïx is still too prideful to tattle on us. I say we can crack him before Xemnas is the wiser."

"We owe you big, Luxord," Axel admitted.

Luxord smirked. "Big nothing. I own you all now!"

XXX

The next morning, Saïx entered the kitchen. Silently.

Zexion was sipping a cup of Earl Grey tea, back turned to the door. "I know you're there, Saïx."

"Zexion, I need your help."

"Pray tell."

Saïx folded his arms. "I know Luxord's covering for someone. So who is it?"

"How should I know?"

"You're the psychic! Read their minds."

"It doesn't work that way. I can't just access people's thoughts."

"It was probably Axel. Unless he put Roxas up to it. Then again, Xigbar always did have something against me. Demyx can be coerced into anything. And I can't rule out Xaldin. Or Marluxia. Or Larxene. Vexen had the best access to my medicine, but Lexaeus might be taking advantage of the fact that no one would ever suspect him."

Zexion arched an eyebrow. "Have you ever considered the fact that if you were a little nicer, the other members might not hate you so much? As they say, you reap what you sow."

Saix snarled. "What right have you to criticize me? You, who hides behind Lexaeus!" BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

Zexion looked around. "Are you using the microwave?"

Saïx pushed the sleeve of his cloak back, revealing a wristband. "Xemnas is making me wear this blood pressure monitor until my blood pressure falls back to normal limits." He took a deep breath. The beeping ceased. "Can't you solve the mystery mathematically?"

"Too many variables. And too many suspects."

"Some math genius you are." Saïx scowled, snatching Zexion's teacup and smashing it against the counter.

Zexion looked at the broken bits of porcelain. "Darn. That was Limoges."

XXX

Roxas looked at his wastebasket in dismay. It was stuffed to the brim with crumpled pieces of paper. _Claude Kenni wrote Ocean of Stars after the same number of failed attempts. I've got nothing. _He picked up his communicator. "Xaldin? I need your help."

To Be Continued


	4. I feel you just beyond a star

Xaldin entered Roxas' room. "Yes, what is it?"

Roxas pointed at the overflowing pile of crumpled paper. "I just can't write poetry."

"Now, now, they can't be that bad." Xaldin picked up one of the bits of paper and uncrumpled it. His face contorted into a frown. "On second thought…"

"See? What am I going to do now?"

Xaldin thought a moment. "I could write the poem myself, but it's going to take me a couple of hours."

"Take as long as you need," Roxas said. "Thanks again."

"No need to thank me. I find it a…nostalgic trip down memory lane."

"You wrote a poem to the girl you liked?"

"No, not quite. But I did dabble in poetry. Managed to get a book deal out of it. But that was a long time ago." Xaldin turned and left.

Roxas stood alone in the room. "Weird. Xaldin ordinarily never shuts up. Why was he so quick to leave?" He moved toward the hallway. "Might as well take a walk while I wait for the poem." Roxas strolled through the halls. _It would take months to fully explore this stupid castle. Cottage That Never Was sounds so much more appealing. But then again, Axel would probably have burned it to the ground if it was made of anything other than stone. And given everyone's tempers, it'd probably best to give everyone as much space as possible. But...still. This castle must have been designed by some sadistic architects…_

Roxas' train of thought was interrupted by the sound of soft music notes drifting through the hall. "Piano music?" Curiosity piqued, Roxas opened the door.

The music stopped abruptly, the notes hanging in the air.

Zexion froze in place, hands still on the piano keys. "Well…this is awkward."

"Oh, please don't stop playing, sir," Roxas said. "It's beautiful."

"I didn't know you were a Beethoven fan," Zexion said.

"Beethoven?" Roxas repeated.

"This is the 'Moonlight' sonata."

"You're really good. I wish I could play."

"I could teach you."

"Really?"

"My father taught me when I was four."

Roxas tried to picture little Ienzo pecking out the Moonlight sonata with tiny hands. "Uhh…"

Zexion scooted to the side of the piano bench. "So what's wrong?"

"How do you know something's wrong?"

"You've got the look. Deer in the headlights."

"And you're psychic." _Good thing he can keep a secret. _

Zexion shrugged. "In a sense. Sit down. Maybe I can help."

Roxas sat down next to Zexion on the piano bench. "You see, I've been trying to woo a girl, but every effort I've made has failed. Miserably."

"What have you tried?"

"First, flowers…"

"Stop right there. Flowers? They wilt in a few days. Now, think, Roxas. What's the most romantic day of the year?"

"Valentine's Day?"

"Yes. And what is sold in mass quantities on Valentine's Day? Besides flowers?"

"Candy?"

"Yes. Chocolate candy. Chocolate is one of the most beloved foods of all time. Nothing says 'I love you' like a heart-shaped box of assorted chocolates. Girls go crazy for chocolates. Believe me, they don't make middle-of-the-night runs to twenty-four-hour stores to buy roses."

"That…just might work. Thanks."

"You're welcome." Zexion turned back to the piano and began to play once more. "Oh, and there's one universal rule to women."

"What's that?"

"If a girl asks you if her dress makes her look fat, always say no. No matter what. Even if she looks like a pig, say no."

"And if the girl in question is Larxene?"

"Just wax _ad infinitum _about how gorgeous she looks, lest you find yourself on the business end of her thunderbolts."

Roxas's communicator beeped. He turned it on. "Thirteen."

"Got it," Xaldin said.

XXX

"Here it is." Xaldin handed Roxas a piece of paper.

Roxas read it eagerly:

_I stand upon this precipice _

_Between life and life's conclusion_

_I am dead, but not buried._

_I am living, yet not breathing_

_I pray tonight is the night, that_

_Every star's a firefly light._

_In the light, I feel closer still_

_To you, my unreachable princess_

_I reach toward you, but my hand _

_Simply passes through, to my grief._

_You are substance, I am nothing_

_You are light, I am a mere shade_

_I hardly know you, but I dream_

_I hold your hand, you hold mine_

_And we walk the trail together_

_How can I get enough of you? _

_My ideal, my inspiration?_

_To make you my queen is my wish_

_But you are beyond my reach_

_As elusive as the fireflies_

_Dimming as the dawn approaches_

"Xaldin…this is amazing!"

Xaldin shook his head. "You only think that because you haven't been educated to understand poetry."

"No, it's great."

"It pales in comparison to the work I did when I still had a heart. It's a sad day when you realize you're past your writing prime."

"Oh, it never bothered J. D. Salinger. I'm going to show this to Quistis right away. I should catch her at her office hours. Thanks again, Xaldin." Roxas vanished into a darkness portal.

Xaldin pulled out a white handkerchief. _D. F. E. _was embroidered in white thread. The smell of the _Toxin _cologne was overpowering. "Thank you, Roxas."

XXX

Roxas poked his head through the open door. "Got a moment?"

Quistis was stuffing papers into her briefcase. "Oh, hello. I was on my way to a meeting."

Roxas shoved the typed poem toward her. "This will only take a second."

"All right." She glanced at the poem. Her eyes widened. "Where did you get this?"

"Huh?"

"This is an incredibly lucky find. A previously unpublished poem by Dilan Edgeworth."

"Huh?" Roxas asked, confused. "Who's Dilan Edgeworth?" Then it hit him: _oh, no, please don't let it be…_

Quistis held up a hardcover book. The cover read: _Bittersweet: the collected poems of Dilan Edgeworth. _"He was a history professor here. Died during the Heartless invasion years ago."

_She's beautiful, smart, and an excellent fighter. She just HAD to be cultured, too. _"How do you know it really is Edgeworth's poem?"

"The distinct uses of enjambment and unrhymed iambic tetrameter make it pretty obvious. I'd have to show this to some of the English professors, but I'm pretty sure the chances of someone else writing this are pretty slim."

"So, when did _Bittersweet _come out? I'd like to read it too," Roxas lied.

"Fifteen years ago. This is the reprinted edition. It came out just a few days ago. My old copy fell apart because I read it so much."

_Right. The store next to Scents and Sensibility is a bookstore. So that's what she was buying. _

"If you're not acquainted with Edgeworth's poetry," Quistis began. "How did you get this?"

"Well…" Roxas said, trying not to blush. "I have a friend who knew Dilan Edgeworth _extremely _well. And he gave me that."

"Interesting." Quistis checked her watch. "I have to go to my meeting. We can speak later, sir." She made a brisk bow, and walked off.

_I didn't even get to tell her my name. _Roxas sighed and used a darkness portal to return to the castle.

XXX

"By the way, Xaldin. They reprinted _Bittersweet_."

Xaldin gasped. "Without sending me my royalties check?!" A spear materialized in his hand. "Excuse me, Roxas. I'm off to have a talk with my publisher!"

XXX

Roxas held his heart-shaped two-pound box of chocolates in one hand and his Oblivion Keyblade in the other. He tapped the doorknob of the Radiant Garden University's personnel office. The door opened. Roxas made his way to the filing cabinet and flipped through the files. "Here. Trepe, Quistis." He flipped through the file until he came to medical history. "I'm not going to blunder the same way I did with the flowers. If she's allergic to chocolate, it'll say here." He scanned the medical history. "Type 2 diabetes mellitus. She…couldn't eat chocolate even if she wanted to." Roxas snarled and ripped the medical history in half. "What are the _chances_?!"

XXX

"Should have robbed the place," Axel said through a mouthful of chocolate creams.

"It's a college records office. I doubt they have anything worth taking," Roxas replied, popping a pecan cluster in his mouth. The box of chocolates was already half-empty.

"You've got a key that opens any lock? Why restrain yourself? But then again…this might explain a newspaper article I read this morning."

"What happened?"

"The _Twilight Town Gazette_. A robbery at an ice cream factory…"

Roxas looked away. "Can we change the subject?"

"Sure. You've only got guilty written all over your face. How's Queenie?"

"Her name is Quistis. And not good. What does it take to win her over, Axel? I've tried everything. Do you have any suggestions? Besides getting her drunk?"

"Hmm…how the Gabbiani method?"

"What?"

"Kidnap her? Or if she's too smart for that, stage a kidnapping and dramatically 'rescue' her."

"She's got a nasty whip and powerful magic. I think that would discourage any would-be kidnappers."

"You know what your problem is?"

"What?"

"You've been taking advice from the wrong people. Marluxia, Demyx, and Zexion. The pansies of the Organization. Those three might have fangirls, but they're not exactly great with the female persuasion. You need to talk to someone manly."

"I took advice from Xaldin and Vexen too."

"Oh, the chatterbox and the icicle. Yeah, real helpful."

"Well, who do you suggest?"

XXX

_Why do I have to listen to Axel? _Roxas was poised in front of Xigbar's bedroom door. "He'll laugh just as loud as Larxene." He banged on the door. "Xigbar!"

"Come in," Xigbar's voice called. "It's open!"

Roxas walked in.

"Well, if it isn't little Thirteen." Xigbar was watching TV and drinking a beer.

A character on screen was brandishing an AK-47. "Say hello to my little friend!"

"What's going on?" Roxas asked. "I'm pretty sure that's not Al Pacino."

"It's great. Cliff went postal. He just shot Norm!"

The show went to commercial. "Xigbar, have you ever had trouble with the ladies?"

"I heard about your girl problems. Tough breaks. What can I do to help?"

"Hold it!" Roxas said. "I've noticed something odd. Every time I've asked someone else for advice about girls, they've been freely giving it out. I know you guys aren't that nice ordinarily. So what gives?"

"Look, Roxas. We may be Nobodies, but we've still got our memories. We remember those awkward teen years. And let me tell you. When I was your age, I had a face like a pepperoni pizza. And nothing is more frightening then the day you notice girls stop looking icky and start looking hot."

"That's…really interesting."

Xigbar took another swig of his beer. "Besides, you're Xemnas's favorite, and he'd kill us all if you got too mopey to slay Heartless."

"But Xaldin even wrote me a poem. It didn't help much, but still…he doesn't do that sort of thing ordinarily."

Xigbar chuckled. "Xaldin wrote you a poem? Wow."

"Why did he do that? Do you know?"

"See, Xaldin…or Dilan, rather, loved that stuff. He was always scribbling poems during breaks and stuff when I knew him. He even wrote this huge book once."

"Heh. So I've heard."

"But ever since the…fall, he hasn't written another poem. Now imagine someone loving poetry that much, but not having the energy to write even one?"

"He no longer had the heart for it…"

Xigbar nodded. "Couldn't have said it better. But he still wanted to. Maybe seeing your problems made his look less significant."

_Thanks a lot. _"Do you know what I should do? I've tried everything."

"Define everything."

"I've sent her flowers, serenaded her, bought her chocolates…"

"All that and she's still not impressed? I know exactly what you need to do."

"What?"

"If she's not swayed by you busting your buns like that, then she must have another guy."

"Really?"

"So you find out the other man's name, then you challenge him to a duel."

"A…duel? You're suggesting I kill her boyfriend?"

"Oh, no. Killing her boyfriend is a way to make her hate you. You just beat the stuffing out of him. Make him cry. When the girl sees how pathetic he is, and how manly you are, she'll like you. Instant love connection."

"Hmm…thanks, Xigbar."

"Don't mention it, kid."

"So…how do I challenge someone to a duel? Do I just say 'I want to duel'?"

"You slap him in the face with your glove, genius."

XXX

Hollow Bastion's main street was filled with people shopping and chatting. One corner, however, was darkened by a brooding man sipping coffee at an outdoor café. A deep-looking scar ran diagonally down his face. A huge sword was strapped to his back. The scowl the man wore suggested he'd pull the sword on the waiter should anything be wrong with his order.

Roxas drew his hood up to cover his face. "I hope this isn't as stupid as I think it is." He pulled off one of his glove and moved toward the grumpy-looking man. "Squall Leonhart?"

The man looked up. His glare deepened. "I used to answer to that name. It's _Leon_ now."

Roxas closed his eyes and struck Leon across the face with the leather glove.

Leon's mask of hatred and cynicism melted away briefly, his expression turning into pure shock. Then he reached for his sword.

"Hey." Roxas said. "I just challenged you to a duel. You're supposed to formally accept it."

Leon released his sword hilt. "You want to duel with me?"

"Yes!"

"Well, little punk, if you're so willing to die, then I'll help you." Leon looked around. "But not here. Not now. Dueling's been illegal in Hollow Bastion for well over twenty years."

"We could go to Paraguay," Roxas suggested. "Are you a legal blood donor?"

"I have a better idea. There's an abandoned ammunitions factory on the north side of town. No one will notice us there."

"It's a deal." Roxas extended his gloved hand. "Let's shake on it."

To be continued


End file.
